Well, friends. It happened. I turned forty.
Almost a month ago.
Some shit changes as you age, but my inability to multitask — to work and change the laundry before the mildew hits and change a diaper and also remember one single damn thing is not one of them. Which is why, after nearly a month, I’m finally posting this.
I recently watched a TikTok (I’m hip) that asked, “women in your thirties, what advice do you have for women in their twenties?” The comments section was flooded with women who, despite still trying to figure it out, were telling younger women that it was *okay* to still be figuring it out. Naturally, it got me to thinking — what would I, now 40, tell myself (or any other woman) at 30?
Well, I’m so glad you asked. I have a lot to say about that.
1. I used to say that 30 was just 20 with more money and better insurance. Well, 40 is both of those things, but also giving very few (if any) fucks about what anyone else thinks of you. It’s a breath of fresh air.
2. Call your mom. Call your dad. Call your grandma. Call your great uncle. Take them to dinner, to a drink, to church. Bring them a meal, bring them flowers, just say hello. Bury the hatchet, rebuild the burned bridge, offer the olive branch. As you’re aging, so are they, and at a much greater rate, and once you lose them, nothing will be left but memories or regret. Choose the memories.
3. But on that note, it is *okay* to have regrets. The whole “no regrets” movement seems a little toxic. It’s fine to look back and with you’d acted differently, done things differently, said something differently. It will still teach you lessons if you admit it was wrong.
4. I’m not afraid to say the thing anymore, even if it hurts someone. For years, in my twenties and thirties, I’d put off hurting someone in the immediacy to end up hurting them long-term (anyone who has dragged out a dead relationship knows exactly what I’m talking about). I never wanted to be the bad guy, but my cowardice turned me into a villain when I wanted the opposite. Pull off the Bandaid.
5. Time is fleeting and it passes in the blink of an eye. Your life is made up of your days. Don’t let days and days and days pass you by filled with things you hate.
6. Soften your heart and open yourself to changing your mind. You start realizing at 40 that things are not always as black and white as they seemed at 22. People are overwhelmingly kind-hearted, doing the best they can, with what they have, in the environment they were raised. You are the only you, and no one will. be exactly like you. Embrace kind hearted people and don’t turn them away because they aren’t made from your mold.
7. Honesty without tact is cruelty. “Oh, I’m just brutally honest.” Ma’am, you are a bitch, thank you.
8. People may not always remember your kind words, but they’ll sure as hell remember your hateful ones.
9. Choose your earth scorching moments very, VERY carefully.
10. It is not as abnormal as you think to feel you’re losing your mind, especially in your twenties. To feel that you’re so inexplicably *different* from the people and the world around you that the weight of your thoughts weighs on your chest like a safe. And while it isn’t necessarily abnormal, find help. I “sucked it up” and tried to bury it for far too long, but things that aren’t dead won’t stay buried. You have to work it out, and there’s no shame in therapy. I actually believe the world would be infinitely kinder if everyone had to attend an hour of talk therapy a week. #Ty4President
11. Most of the things you worry about never happen. The intrusive thoughts I’ve faced since becoming a mother are so bonkers… if I hold Scout on the escalator, she might fall over the side! what if I pass out pushing her stroller and it rolls into the busy intersection??? (that actually made me lock the wheels at every stoplight in NYC for multiple trips). And I won’t say don’t worry, because you will anyway, and I do too. But just keep in mind, 99% of the time, the thing doesn’t happen and your life rolls on to worry about something else.
12. In 25 years, studies will show that the endless scroll was as toxic for us as smoking. Probably drinking too.
13. You’ll never have it “figured out.” You’ll feel more in control, and sometimes, you might feel like you’re going in the right direction, but there’s not a magical moment where it all clicks (at least, there hasn’t been for me). You’re always just figuring it out. The “figuring it out” is life.
14. What you accept is what you think you deserve.
15. People aren’t thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are.
16. Get comfortable with being disliked. Unless you’re Dolly Parton, not everyone in the world will like you, and that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you.
17. All criticism isn’t bad. Even if ill-intentioned, somethings there’s a good lesson to learn.
18. But generally speaking: Don’t accept criticism from someone you wouldn’t look to for advice.
19. It’s never too late for you to change, but don’t expect anyone else to.
20. Trust your gut. Every. Single. Time. Your brain can get it wrong, your heart can hang you out to dry, but your gut will not ever forsake you. If you get a weird Spidey sense about something/someone, you’re getting it for a reason.
21. Organizing can sometimes just be really pretty hoarding. If you don’t use it when it’s out on the counter, putting it in a clear, labeled bin isn’t going to make you start.
22. Wear whatever you want. Pay no attention to the number on the tag. It doesn’t define your worth or your beauty, and it never did. Put on the swimsuit.
23. Don’t shrink yourself to make anyone else feel tall.
24. Success is a journey, not a destination, and your map is interactive and ever-changing. Had you told me when I was thirty that I’d feel successful, doing what I’m doing now, I’d be shocked. For so long, I wanted to be the General Counsel of Walmart. And it’s just not gonna happen. Not necessarily because I couldn’t, but because a years-long global health event and the birth of my two children redefined what “success” looked like for me. I’m raising kind, confident children while doing a damn good job in the position I have (and have had. for years) and I really couldn’t ask for any more than that.
25. Stop waiting for a special occasion. You woke up this morning to face another day, and that’s pretty fucking special. Use your wedding china, burn the $70 candle, drink the expensive champagne. The next special day isn’t guaranteed.
26. What you see from the wellness girlies on TikTok is probably not your reality. You don’t get three hours every morning to cold plunge-infrared sauna-raw milk-ice roll-mushroom drink-electrolyte chug. You get to microwave the same goddammned cup of coffee six times and maybe brush your teeth, and then you ptobably have some regular Joe obligations. Do what you can, but no one can live up to that and keep her sanity. Pick a few and give them a whirl, but don’t hate yourself for not being able to check the entire list.
27. The best thing I’ve said over and over in the last few years? “It is what it is.” I’ve become such a YOLOer in my late thirties. Very little bothers me anymore (at least, the minutiae parts of life). I know things will work out how they’re supposed to, and there is great comfort in that.
28. Find comfort in the slowness. I’m not a Sex & The City character, I’m not 25 years old, and I’m an introvert. A gentle, peaceful life feels so exciting now. Contentedness is something special.
29. If you don’t spend your time and money on your health, you’ll sure as hell spend it on your illness. You don’t have to run 7 miles a day and eat nothing but kale, but you deserve better than a bottle of wine on the couch while eating your kid’s leftovers. Move your body in a way that feels good and makes you happy. Eat food that makes your body feel good. It’s not “normal” to be exhausted every single day, no matter how many Instagram reels tell you it is.
30. Question the norm. Buck the status quo. If you want to know the motivation, follow the money. #conspiracytheorist
31. Travel. Travel far and wide. Travel close and near. Check out the town next door. Get your passport stamped. Try local food. Escape your bubble. Forsake the Olive Garden. Don’t be afraid to try something new and feel a little uncomfortable.
32. Don’t wear shoes in your house. Don’t let other people wear shoes in your house.
33. Everything is figure-out-able. You may not get where you wanted to be, but everything can be figured out.
34. DO NOT OVERPLUCK YOUR EYEBROWS. DO YOU HEAR ME, GEN Z??
35. Keep a small stash of Voluspa candles, some cards, and a few gift bags in case you need a last-minute present. It’s so much easier than having to run out and grab things with seconds to spare!
36. Celebrate the small things and celebrate them well. Back to school, full moons, half birthdays. Life is worth celebrating.
37. There is nothing on your phone that is more important than what your child is trying to tell you. Put it down, look them in the eyes, and listen. If you don’t pay attention to the little stuff, they won’t come to you for the big stuff. To them, it was all big stuff.
38. It’s okay to be wrong. Even more, it’s okay to say you were wrong. And a little further, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know enough about that to have an opinion, let me read up on it and I’ll get back to you.”
39 Don’t wear cheap shoes. Take care of your feet.
40. Forty is not old. Forty is the beginning of being so fucking comfortable in your own skin that you’re no longer afraid to fail. Forty year old women have babies, start businesses, run marathons, get married … there is nothing you can’t do. And now you’re more prepared to do it.
I’ve never been happier or more content. I also have big things I want to do. At 40, I finally feel like the perfect storm has come together to put all the dreams I have to work. Don’t feel like you’re halfway over. You’re just getting started.
